Abused by a man and then another and then another??

Question

Abused by a man and then another and then another??
DO women who are abused by men in there lives get with another after that relationship is over? And keep going and going choising abusive men? Is it really the women or do thay really just pick the abusive kind? I dont understand how that works? Has Ne one been in this cycal?

Answer

Many women grow up thinking they are not good enough...not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough. They hear these things, especially from men fathers, uncles, brothers, boyfriends and they internalize these words. You hear something enough and you start to believe it. The girls mothers often feel this way, and the pattern follows the generations. Many women who are abused come from abusive households not all of them but many of them can trace the abuse to their childhoods, either seeing their own moms get hurt or themselves. By not feeling good enough, or somehow being told they are not good enough, they ultimately choose bad relationships.brbrIt would be great if everybody had a healthy relationship where neither party was abusive sometimes guys are abused as well, dont kid yourself. Passing judgement on a woman whos been in a couple abusive relationships doesnt do anybody any good She already feels like crap and will attract men who take advantage of that weakness. Its as if the men somehow know that this woman is weak and will take whatever he dishes out. More often than not, he also possesses a poor selfimage so you can see how this would be a vicious cycle. The poor kids!brbrAnd to answer your last question Yes, I have been in that cycle. It started when I was and got involved with a guy who was . He had some emotional problems but I just fell in love with him. Pretty soon after the relationship started, he began with the name calling and the putdowns. I came from a very stable background and I thought he did too, though I didnt know much about mental illness back then. I started internalizing the putdowns and the bad names, things Id never heard before this time. I remember crying all the time, going to work crying andor with red eyes and nose, and doing things to only please him so he wouldnt find fault with me. Invariably he would verbally attack me for my quotfailures.quot He was so insane that he was institutionalized after I left...small wonder! My parents finally sent me away to school to get away from him. While that worked, I was still under his control for a few months. We talked all the time, and the conversations invariably turned to how I betrayed him and what a horrible person I was. It was a terrible situation. I eventually stopped calling him and he me, probably because he was in a mental hospital! and I jumped into another relationship right away with another guy who later became my husband. Like I said, I had internalized all of that crap I had heard, and I really believed that nobody would ever want me again after the first guy because thats what he constantly told me. So I rushed into another relationship, and it turned out my future husband and now ex was also suffering from learning and emotional problems, and I internalized all his problems. I had enough problems of my own but I started thinking I could quotfixquot him. Then after years, we moved in together and that is when the physical abuse started. I didnt go looking for it, but it started because he didnt want to take responsibility for his actions or taking care of the apartment. He made such messes in the kitchen and wouldnt clean it up try walking on orange juice thats been left to dry on the floor for hours, or scrubbing up jelly off the front of the cupboards that is dried on and you tell me you wouldnt get tired of it?. He wanted a mother and I wanted a husband. We fought all the time. I married him anyway, idiot that I was. Two days into our honeymoon, I confessed to him that I could never love him the way he wanted me to love him, but I didnt tell him it was because of the abuse. I know that probably broke his heart but he was so dependent upon me to do everything and his actions were becoming more and more abusive. He used to pinch me underneath my chin and this hurts more than you can possibly imagine. It immobilizes you and will bring tears to your eyesDO NOT TRY THIS ON SOMEBODY YOU ACTUALLY LOVE OR YOU COULD KILL THEM! He would promise to stop but then he would do it again. Sometimes after he did it he would say, quotI didnt hurt you. I only did this to you,quot and he would DO IT AGAIN! I didnt go out looking for this guy...he found me...and I stayed with him because I believed nobody would ever want me because the first guy told me that. And that I would make him better. I had two kids with my husband. brbrI finally broke that cycle when he attacked me one night in his sleep. The kids were right there, ages and . He tried to choke me, scratched at my eyes and gouged skin from my neck. He beat me on the back. And he was all the time muttering between clenched teeth, quotI cant stand you! Youre not my boss! I am going to kill you!quot Like an idiot, I was afraid to call the police. I didnt want the neighbors to know. But I did make a vow that I would get out of that situation, no matter what. I told him I was divorcing him the next morning and he didnt understand whyhe supposedly didnt remember doing what he did to me. I thought at certain times in my marriage to him that I was the one who was insane because he denied doing the abuse in his sleep. I knew I was going to end up dead because he was attacking me in his sleep and wouldnt remember it. Believe me, it was happening, my kids saw it happening, and I was hiding it from everybody. I started realizing that I was stronger than this man and I didnt have to put up with it. I told my parents hardest thing Ive ever had to do, I told my friends, I told everybody I could think of. His mother refused to believe that he would do this but I have seen him pinch her too so he wasnt just doing this to me. He pinches the kids too, even to this day. I also recognized that the previous boyfriend was still part of the problem I was still listening to his words in my head, that I wasnt any good, Id never be anybody, nobody would ever find me attractive.brbrWell they were both wrong! I quotfoundquot my present husband from my past. He knew me before these other idiots and we had danced around each other figuratively for years. I was always attracted to him but he seemed so nice. I was always thinking I needed a quotbad boy.quot I WAS WRONG TOO! He was so positive, and he encouraged me to stand up for myself. He never cuts me down, he encourages me to pursue my hobbies and what I love to do, he is gentle, honorable and kind. He even called the cops while he was , miles away when my ex tried to strangle me one afternoon, after we had filed for divorce. It was the first time I had felt so empowered and so loved. I will NEVER tolerate the type of behavior I did in the past, but I cant condemn another woman for falling into the same mess that I was in. Its easy to do. Theyre looking for a quotstrongquot man who can take care of them and often those guys are just little kids inside who need to beat up a woman either emotionally or physically in order to make themselves feel like big men. Big Man Indeed!brbrBefore anyone judges a woman or a man who has been in an abusive situation, walk a mile in her or his shoes. Go through what they have gone through and think as they think. Its not hard to become a victim. Its much harder breaking that cycle, especially if kids are involved. Women end up as murder victims all the time because they think they can change an abusive man, or that they can handle what he shoves at her. She doesnt have to do this, and she doesnt have to put herself in harms way, but she does it because she thinks she loves him, she can help him, she cant get out because he controls the purse strings, or there are kids involved, or he threatens to kill her or the kids. brbrIve already gone into a lot of detail here but I hope this helps you understand what a woman might go through in abusive relationships. Theyre not all her fault! There are two players in these situations. Maybe next time you can ask quotMan abuses one woman and then another and then another??quot